The Harm of “If He’s Mean To You It Means He Likes You”: Teens’ Opinions

“If he’s mean to you it means he likes you!” Growing up, I’ve heard this phrase as a justification for a boy acting rude towards me by my friends and peers. But what does this phrase really mean? What implications does it have? How are we affected by it? To begin to unpack this phrase, I turned to teens and adults to hear their thoughts and opinions. I asked teens the same three questions to observe the varying responses. I tried to interview people of all ages: high school students and middle schoolers. I began by asking the general question, “What are your opinions on the phrase ‘If he’s mean to you it means he likes you’?”. The responses were, as I suspected, pretty similar. To follow up, I asked “Do you think this phrase is harmful in any way?”. Although many participants followed up their previous response and simply said yes, others elaborated on the harmful effects of being told that phrase. Lastly, I asked each participant if they wanted to remain anonymous and if they had anything to add.

To begin, I interviewed a total of 18 teenagers, 1 seventh grader, 1 eighth grader, 2 first years, 9 sophomores, 4 juniors, and 3 seniors. I started by interviewing my friends my age, during classes, lunch block, or over FaceTime. In the end, I was proud of what I was able to accomplish in just three days. I interviewed teenagers with all different interests; some were also in the NewspapHER club, some were theatre kids, and some were simply in my classes. I’m glad that I didn't just get interviews within my friend group, because getting different responses was very interesting to hear.

Let's start with the upperclassmen, juniors and seniors. Firstly, Laura Garf, a member of the NewspapHER, stated “I think it’s encouraging men to not take responsibility for the way they treat women, and it's encouraging women that they don't deserve to be treated with respect. I just feel like it's another way that men get exempted from their actions in our society. I feel like it raises men to believe they don't have to treat women with respect, and it raises women to think that they're the problem.” As she states, it allows men to get away with their poor treatment of women without being held accountable. Aria Lehri, another senior at NHS and a part of the theatre department, says, “It is definitely a way to write off things that men/boys unexceptable behavior instead of teaching people to express how they feel, we’ve told them to repress it.” Aria compliments what Laura said previously, that this phrase allows boys to act in a rude manner without being held accountable. Lastly, Lauren Libscomb uses a metaphor and says “It’s basically saying ‘if he throws up it means he likes the food.’' In other words, she thinks it’s a weird idea that if someone is clearly rude to you, he is trying to show you that he likes you.

Onto juniors, I interviewed four juniors: two girls and two boys. Within the 11th grade, I got varying responses, which I think had something to do with me interviewing two different genders. To begin, I interviewed Monica Iriti, who stated that “even if his intent is to show his admiration for you [a girl] it is definitely the wrong way. It’s very misogynistic and it’s almost as if the guy is trying to prove he is superior.'' Agreeing with Monica, Sophia Ashkanhas declared that “It is harmful because it affects how women and girls perceive guys when they are rude to them, and it becomes an excuse for men to be mean to women.'. She, as well as many others, thinks the phrase normalizes men and boys’ actions that should NOT be normalized. On the other hand, the two junior guys I interviewed had different opinions. Jack Carnahan, a member of the SAMD club states “I don’t think it’s [the phrase] is completely true.” However he then adds, “it isn’t a healthy phrase”. This response both contradicts and agrees with the previous responses. The second guy I interviewed said that “there’s a lot of gray area -- it could mean different things' '. The varying responses of girls versus boys in this article is a result of experience. The guys I interviewed didn’t seem to care as much or have strong feelings compared to women. I think that this is a direct result of who’s seen this phrase used first hand, and who knows the true effects of it.

Next, I interviewed 9 sophomores: seven girls and two boys. Aideen Milligan states that “it implies that guys have to make the first move” while Miriam Bergeron states that “there are so many better ways for a boy to show a girl that he likes her”. These two girls know that this phrase isn't the best or healthiest way for a guy to show affection. To add on to Miriam's response, she also included the statement “I think we should find a better replacement for the phrase” and I think that she is completely correct. This phrase is extremely overused, but there is a replacement out there somewhere that does not encourage bad behavior. Katie Mercer states that “It allows for abusive behavior to go unnoticed” while Ellie Donohue states “it creates a cycle of harmless behavior”. In addition, Rebecca Gold “I think it is because boys hear that [the phrase] and then think that it’s a good way to show a girl they like her, and it becomes an endless cycle.” Rebecca continues by saying “I would never date a guy who acts like that.” I would 100 percent agree with her, I would never date anyone who acts like that. The implications of this phrase leads to guys becoming more degrading and rude because this is what they’ve been conditioned to do. The normalization of a phrase such as this one is negatively affecting the actions of guys in our schools. Camille Kreiger continues the conversation of boys being rude to women by saying “it [the phrase] makes it okay for males to look down on females” and Sabina Weeks says that “being mean to someone isn’t a good way of showing that you like them, it’s toxic and wrong”.

Lastly, I interviewed a couple first years and middle schoolers about their opinions of the phrase “If he's mean to you it means he likes you”. Tav Lodovico, a 8th grader at Thurston Middle School states, “No one should treat anyone like that and it’s not a good way to determine whether someone likes you or not”. Again, I fully agree with her statement. It’s a completely unhealthy way to tell if someone likes you and girls in our society shouldn’t be believing things like this. Then I interviewed two first years at NHS. Lily Katz said that “I think it’s really toxic and harmful and is used to justify toxic relationships” and “it makes excuses for men to be dominant and overpowering in a bad way.” Emily responded similarly by saying “it furthers stereotypes and enables boys to continue to be misogynistic”. These two girls stated very clearly exactly what I would have said. This phrase is absolutely terrible. It allows girls to think that boys treating them terribly is a good thing because it means they like them, but that is far from true.

Let's take a deeper look at the phrase. Firstly, this mentality allows for bad behavior from guys, it allows them to think that it is acceptable to act in an insolent way towards their peers. In addition, it lowers expectations for women who are attracted to men and make them think that type of behavior is acceptable. Personally, in my own life, I have heard this phrase used toward my friends and also myself. Boys should not treat girls that badly and the fact that this phrase is normalized is not helping to rework their personalities. I hope that in the future we as a society can realize that this phrase should not be used anymore and we should find a better replacement that doesn’t encourage rude behavior.